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Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in, it's the scene set for new lovers

You play your part painting in a new start but each gate will open another.

6/9/10 01:52 pm

I think as I get older, I'm beginning to understand that grace is really just never letting it look like it's hard, never letting it show that it hurts, never letting your trouble show on the outside.

6/6/10 07:41 pm

I hate how clothing stores only carry certain kinds of colors during the different seasons. It's like damn, sometimes I wanna wear a burgundy t-shirt in the summer, you know?

6/1/10 09:38 am - Her cup of tea, she would admit to no one.

I just had a regular croissant with my cafe au lait. Heavenly.

5/31/10 02:42 am - 20 things about me.

1. I like old fashioned things.

2. My favorite food is probably pain au chocolat, as it never fails to make a bad day better for me. I also like Asian, Mediterranean and Middle Eastern foods.

3. The foods I absolutely can not stand are probably kidneys and other types of organs. To me, they taste like things I never wanted to taste.

4. One of the things I'm the most ashamed of is that I stopped caring about making art back in high school. My parents always say it was one of my few natural talents and that it's terrible to waste it, and I think they're right. But I feel all this pressure to get back into it now, so it's a little stressful sometimes to try. I'm looking forward to taking an art class next fall.

5. I'm really fickle, in terms of what style I like, what image I want to project, etc.; I really wish I were more grounded, but so many different things look nice to me, I can never really make up my mind on just one!

6. I'm majoring in Psychology, and I think I want to be a therapist. I really hope that I'd be a good one, I'd hate to find out that it's not the right job for me once I've started on that career track.

7. I love little dogs and would really like a pug (my personal favorite), french bulldog, or even a chihuahua. Maybe even an italian greyhound, they're pretty cool too.

8. My favorite colors are green, yellow, and blue, like the colors of a sunny day. I like earth tones a lot.

9. After a long hiatus on reading and other intellectual or creative pursuits, I've had the pleasure of reading quite a lot lately. This year, I have read Atonement, City of Thieves, The Reader, The Piano Teacher, and I am starting Wuthering Heights. I think I want to read Pygmalion after that. I used to read a lot more frequently as a kid, and I feel proud to be a reader again.

10. I wish I was better at making friends, but I'm kind of a loner and I often feel mighty awkward in social situations. This is something I really want to change, but I don't really know how to.

11. I've never been to MOMA or the Met, but I really want to go.

12. If I could go on a vacation somewhere right now... I would choose New York, New Orleans, Paris, or Tokyo. I can't decide on just one right now.

13. My favorite TV shows are Futurama and The Mighty Boosh. I also like the Travel Channel and PBS a lot.

14. My pet peeves are when people are obnoxious, intolerant, impatient, and unkind. I also hate it when two people talk to me at once and expect me to understand what either of them are saying-- kind of weird but it really drives me crazy.

15. I also detest cell phone commercials. The music is always either lame indie or annoying attempts at music that sounds modern-- and they always get on my nerves.

16. I'm starting to think bluegrass music is kinda cool.

17. If I had some extra cash right now, I'd buy a ping pong table so me and my dad could play together.

18. I'm about 900% happier since I've gotten married. I don't know why exactly, if it's because he's a great guy (yes), if it's because he brings out the best in me (yes), if I'm just at a better point in my life these days (yes), but it does make me feel more secure and settled down, which I like.

19. To be honest, I don't like people who are too simple or ordinary, but if they're nice it's not a big deal.

20. I don't really know what to put for #20.

5/29/10 10:55 pm - Writer's Block: Mystery meat

What is the most disgusting food you have ever eaten? What made it so gross?

I'm usually up for anything when it comes to trying new things, and I don't mind a lot of things which many people avoid. But I seriously can not do kidneys, "chittlin's" or almost any type of organ meat. It tastes like things I do not want to be tasting. I mean, uric acid kind of flavors, I just can't get into.

5/18/10 01:59 am

My period must be coming soon, because I'm feeling kind of glum about things. All around me lately, I see all these successful, well off people. My friends have graduated, some finished graduate school, some are getting jobs. I have two more years of school at least. I'm okay about that. I will miss my friends though, who have moved out of state now. Kind of sad. I've been thinking about my own future lately, too. Grad school just seems so daunting. I get so confused. Part of me thinks that I have a lot to offer, and part of me thinks there's no way I can amount to anything worthwhile. It's like I know that I can do better, but I'm afraid to. I have no idea why. There are so many changes I need to make, and it feels like I have to hurry up and make them as fast as I can. I'm confused about my youth and how to conduct my life. Some people seem so youthful and happy into their thirties, and some seem serious and well established by then. Not sure how to find the middle ground.

5/7/10 05:05 am

Yeah, so today was nice. It was strange waking up with no real school related things hanging over my head. Walked around downtown Decatur, got some iced coffee and a sandwich and then went to the public library. I decided to read Snow Falling on Cedars and The Coral Thief this summer, and All About Love, which is this book of essays about love and why society falls to prepare us for real relationships and their problems. It looked really interesting. I really enjoyed the library. Then later on I met up with my friend Sae, and we just hung out and caught up since we didn't really see each other much this semester. Tomorrow I'm gonna go back to the library and check out the books I was looking at. Nice to have free time for a while.

5/4/10 04:15 pm

Oh my God. The way I'm feeling could be compared to the way a baby must feel as it is being ejected from the womb. I just want to get out of here (finish exams) and start my life, already (start working on my major and get more settled in school and life in GA). Or something. Eeeek.

5/1/10 09:19 am

Some people don't show the effect of time as much as I feel I do. These days, my mind has been so focused on getting everything together and on the right track. I go out from time to time, but I don't let go. The real difference is in my "maturity." I'm still immature, but not as immature as I used to be. I am not so much of an emo drama queen. In my days where I would behave self-destructively and write my God-awful, angst filled poetry and views about the world, I had a lot of legitimate reasons to feel angry and sad. But usually not because of anything I directed those responses to. Well, I'm glad I'm not as ridiculous as I once was, but trying to stay down-to-earth gets a little... dull, after a while. My moods still plummet and soar from time to time. I still feel things intensely, which can be wonderful, but in a way is isolating, because it seems most people are so blocked off emotionally that you can't be sure that you're sharing the same experience as them. Altogether, I am so happy with the changes that I have made, and I feel a lot more positive about the possibility that my life can continue to improve. But I guess here, at 22 years old, the future, my real adulthood, seems very near. And it is, really. I know a lot of people who are in their mid-twenties to thirties who are so much fun, and handling the responsibilities of their age very well. I don't know why I can't stop acting like I'm already middle aged. I don't want to be one of the several vapid dumbasses out there in their early twenties, but a certain lightness of spirit would help.

I guess I can't help it. Though things are lovely, they are somewhat insecure and uncertain right now. I should remind myself to be grateful for what I am, as is. To be anything at all.

So many shoulds, somewhats and maybes with me. No youthful temerity at all.

5/1/10 01:16 am

As I get older, I have to work harder to keep my heart and mind from being weighed down by the complications of life, and the troubles of the world.

Well, I guess we all do.
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