Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in, it's the scene set for new lovers

Today is the first day of Thanksgiving break I have woken up before 5PM. It's also the last day of Thanksgiving break, unfortunately. I've been sick, you see. Only one more week of classes to go, then it's exam week *horror* It will be rough gearing up for the exams, but I think I'll do okay. Hopefully I will end up with As in everything and maybe a B in Biology if I work really hard at this exam. The good thing is that my Philosophy professor assigned a take home exam. Piece of cake. Next semester I will be taking Neuroscience I, Chinese 102, Eng110: Becoming a Modern Literary Critic, Public Speaking, and Weight Training. Kind of a big workload, no? I can always drop the gym class. I have to take two, and there are plenty of others I'd rather have taken, but I had to register last again this year.

Well, looks like I'll either go back and snooze for another hour or try to venture to the mall for a haircut or something. Catch you later!

I read an article on the internet a couple days ago that was talking about how a new theory is rising in psychology that people are often at odds at themselves with addictions and compulsive, counterproductive behavior because they are composed of many different people with different drives and desires. For instance, when you overindulge in sweets, you are at odds with the part of you that wants to get healthy and fit. Conversely, when you discipline yourself and spend most of your day studying, you are at odds with the part of yourself that wants to spend your time freely on other things. And when an addict returns to a drug or whatever else they are addicted to, they are at odds with the part of themselves that knows better, that wants to live. The key thing is to attempt to make all parts of yourself cooperate. To make sure your wants and desires are in step with each other, or to make certain ones more dominant than others. Phase out the ones that are counterproductive to your truer, long-term goals. And as we all know, that can be a very difficult task.

I found the article very insightful, it got me thinking and I realized a large part of why I’m so unhappy. I am really quite unfocused on what I want to do with myself. There are a million different things I want to do, and people I want to be. While they’re often quite similar, they’re not similar enough to lump together into a distinct identity, and there is not one single identity I like more than any others for me to blend into, though the idea of having an identity is rather appealing to me. I guess I romanticize the concept of identity. I used to think it rather reductive and confining, but how nice it must be to broadcast a signal that confidently says, “This is who I am. If you like what you see, then you can be sure to have a lot in common with me.” But who then, who? I’ve wanted to be so many things. The indie girl with glasses and quirky taste, the hippie who radiates wisdom and inner peace, the edgy alterna-girl with a reckless and bohemian lifestyle, the wholesome and conventional girl who works hard and doesn’t attract any negative attention to herself. I've been a little bit of each of these girls at various points in my life, but have been attracted to other personalities and therefore never "committed." Still, I find myself wondering now who I am. Much like the question I posted about style earlier, as soon as I think I like one style I find myself in love with another conflicting one. And then another, and then roaming back and forth and all around. Similarly, when I think I know what I want to be, then another concept darts up and seems more compelling. That is, until another one does... I guess that's the problem of creativity and an open mind. A thoroughly first world problem, but irksome nonetheless. To be the girl who has lots of friends but lacks an inner world, or the girl with a rich inner world but finds herself isolated due to her individuality? There are always sacrifices, always risks. What are the worthwhile ones?

Maybe I’m being too simplistic; I am without a doubt an idealist and maybe this leads to over simplistic aspirations and views on life. I’m getting tired of ambiguity though, and I'm tired of being alive but lacking a real personality.

Why do I believe deep down that I'm not good enough to deserve the things I really want? Hmm.
I'll need to work on that one.

“If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut of human potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which each diverse human gift will find a fitting place.”

Margaret Mead

Since I'm newlywed and we're moving to a new apartment that is closer to my school, I've been thinking about furniture and interior design a lot more. There are a few different styles that I like pretty equally. Which of these do you guys like best?

Contemporary with a retro twist:
Furniture colors and accents: Neutrals with retro colors, such as aqua, red, pink, yellow and green.

Urban Bohemian:
Furniture colors and accents: Dark jewel tones and browns.


Contemporary with a naturalistic twist:
Furniture colors and accents: Lots of tans, beiges, browns and greens (I love this color palette a lot actually, it's modern but soothing.)


Eclectic: Hodgepodge of different things which I like or have influenced me.


I love all of these things equally and it's hard to decide upon one, even though I think that it would be better to make a choice and stick with it. What do you guys think?

Every day I feel full of so much ennui I can barely stand it. I feel surrounded by these complete, whole people-- and I know that's crazy, because they're college students, how can they be complete? They're there to become more well rounded. But I really think them to be really complete people for where they are at this stage in their lives. What do I mean by complete? Well, it's hard to ascertain, really-- their lives just seem to be full of relationships, sense of identity and self-worth, a stable background and life in general. Some of them are intelligent, talented and good looking. I know if you asked them, they would say that they're not-- but I think that' only in the sense of too much is never enough, and they don't know how it feels to be really ungrounded. I had just hoped that by this age, I would be one of them-- and I'm not, I'm this ugly blemish that stands out totally different from the rest of them, even the other blemishes. I don't know. Fuck myself. I am an asshole who will never get it together and I'm so fucking tired of my own shit, I don't know why I get up and keep moving everyday knowing I will never ever have the life, the very simple and attainable life if I had an ounce of intelligence or sense or ability, that I wish I did.

I put myself in a boat and steered myself to the middle of the ocean, and now there's no turning back.

http://www.ehow.com/how_4734133_delicious-chicken-salad.html

I shall make this tomorrow.

New Year's resolutions, rough draft:

-Be happy with yourself, focus on the more positive things.
-Read more often.
-Draw, even if it's bad, don't give up.
-Learn something new.
-Eat healthier.
-Get good grades.
-Get into more music.

What should I do, what should I study?

I feel almost unlike myself when I realize that I'm considering committing myself slavishly to the sciences. Even just considering, that's not to say I will actually have the wearwithal to follow through on it. Talking to my cousin who I haven't spoken to in a long time the other day, it was kind of surprising when I told her I was in college and she automatically assumed I was studying Art. Growing up, that's what everyone thought my destiny was. My parents, my mom especially, were so happy with my artistic abilities. My family are not the type who want their children to become doctors, lawyers, anything stable and lucrative. They want the opposite, the least hardworking, slavish and most interesting lives for us. My mom wants me to want to go to art school in Italy and marry a millionaire or something. She just does not live on the planet earth with the rest of us. But I find myself feeling frustrated when I look around at other artists my age and their work, and think if I had only gone another route-- if I had only given my time to it, I could be right there with them. Making incredibly beautiful things for little to no money or job security-- but how satisfying it would be.

Even now, if I study something that will lead me to a more steady job, since I am about two or three years behind in school, it will take me so long until I can actually make any money, and I wonder if I will be at a disadvantage because of my age. I think I may have screwed up my life to some extent. Makes me feel stupid and worthless.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

Not feeling too well. Life seems overwhelming and I don't know where to begin to get a grip on it. There are so many things I want to do and be, so many perspectives and facets of it to consider. I feel frustrated that I fell behind and neglected my artwork. Every time I pick up a pencil now I feel enormous pressure to make something good to prove to myself I'm a good artist, even though it's all only internal. I psych myself out and it feels so unenjoyable. But then I see the amazing things that other people can do and remember that I have the capacity to do the same kind of things, and it's just so frustrating. I need to learn how to manage my time better, so I will get to the point where I am comfortable with it again. I'm also frustrated because there is a health hold on my account at school and I have to get another fucking vaccination before I can register for any classes. I have had these damn required vaccinations since I was a child but the records can not be recovered from my prior schools, and for some reason it has taken me three different trips to three different doctors to get my required vaccines for school. They keep leaving things out or forgetting to test for certain requirements. For some reason the doctors do not seem to be competent enough to read a list of requirements given to them on a form, and now I'm the one paying for it. Blah.

I want to go to places of perpetual color with you,
Places that have existed longer than time

Or, Paris or Tokyo would be just fine.
Or somewhere where clear blue waters stretch endlessly underneath pastel skies.

Pandora is amazing. So cool, I almost want to change my name to it.

I think I did pretty well on my Bio test today. Yay for me.

I've been having my ups and downs lately, trying to adjust to all the changes going on in my life right now. But I have to say that despite the occasional setback, despite the several frustrating "off" days I have, my life is on a forward trajectory, and I really should be more happy about that. Sometimes I feel like I walk around everyday holding my breath in tight, afraid that everything is going to be snatched away from me, even the ground beneath my feet. But fortunately, that doesn't the case. I think my life is becoming more and more stable. It's just so hard to believe.

Okay, so apparently French electropop singer Yelle contributed to a line of Reebok shoes sometime last year. I just had to take a minute to appreciate them and her style:

Here's a pair of her shoes. Aren't they just knockouts for designer kicks? I love the red, pink and the stripes!



"Designer" gym shoes can take a turn for the atrocious real quick, but I think she came up with something both unique and palatable to the eye.

Here she is wearing them, looking totally rad:




And one more for good measure of her looking enviably cute.



I'm not that familiar with Yelle's music, but something about these photos has filled me with the desire to listen to Le Tigre and go see Paris. Am I alone here?

I wonder what the difference between accepting one's limitations and knowing one's boundaries is. One seems defeatist and another seems to be derived from a sense of self-assurance in spite of limitation. I guess what I'm really trying to get at here is, how do we know where to draw the line and when to keep pushing ourselves to improve ourselves and achieve more? How do we know what is realistically within our limits? Should we only try to achieve what is within immediate reach, or should we reach for what we believe is possible, despite the odds and the difficulties that will ensue? I guess it's all a matter of whether or not you can handle those difficulties. Of course, there is no one size fits all approach to life. We have to tailor these things to our unique characters and situations as we see fit. I guess I just really want to know myself, understand myself, feel assured in myself, my values and my life. While I know that there is never a case in which one reaches that state entirely, it is something I believe people can pursue and relatively achieve.

Well, those musings are my musings for All-Hallow's Eve. It has been a dull night, mainly consisting of me catching up on procrastinated homework assignments and readings. It hasn't been so bad, though, with the aid of some pink macaroons and milk tea it's actually been quite nice. Last night definitely made up for tonight's mellowness. We went to see Gogol Bordello play at the Variety Playhouse. Awesome show, they are ten times better live than on stereo. Definitely a lively night. I do think I should try to get out and make friends more. I am way spending way too much time on solitary activities. At least that's what most people would probably think. It would probably be good for me, though.

I feel a lot better today. I guess I'm just one of those people who needs to let it all out once in a while. Really, I need to find a way to get out of my head more often. I spend way too much time on self-centered reflection. I need to deal with my stress in a productive way. I really want to get into an art class next semester. I think that will be a relaxing environment for me, and I'd really like to see myself making artwork again. I always did well in studio art because it was such a focused environment. I hope the art classes at Agnes are good. I have a lot of student holds on my account actually, so hopefully by the time everything gets cleared there will be some spots left! If not, I am really going to try to get them to let me register at SCAD Savannah or something.

Someone told my Chinese professor she was fat so now we're going to the gym together on Friday. We're kind of becoming friends. She's 28 years old and literally just arrived in this country a few days before class started, so I've been trying to help her get adjusted to it here. My fiance is Chinese, so we go to the Chinatown area of Buford highway all the time and we were able to show her the grocery stores and restaurants with authentic Chinese food. I think that was a really big comfort to her.

We're moving out to a new apartment that's closer to my school (literally right next to it), so that's been stressing me out too. But you know what, I have to learn how to cope with these things. And so far arranging things has not really been that hard. I'm gonna miss this apartment, though. The new apartment is kind of a step down in quality, appearance wise, but it's a lot more convenient. It's also cheaper and most of the utilities are included in the rent. So I guess I shouldn't really complain.

Well, I have my Bio hw out of the way, I guess I can relax for the evening.
Good night all.

Today I feel bored, depressed, alone, inextricably isolated.
My soul is too weak. I fear every word, everything I think has no value, no worth.
No right to existence.
My soul feels bitterness at being surrounded by people who seem to have had the comforts that I never had, like a stable family.
I feel like I will never get on top of this problem I have with my mind.
I can't seem to make a new identity working on the flawed material left behind by the old one.
Everything that people tell me to persuade me to find happiness seems groundless and illogical.
I will never make a real and lasting change.
I will never amount to anything great.
I am totally, innately fucked up and will never be happy.
I am truly a total loser, and a total waste.
I will never "find myself," let alone my true calling.
I am full of grief.

Life is so bizarre. People just go around living in their illusions, believing whatever they want to believe. People go around, challenging each others' rights to happiness. The only difference is a matter of what seems to be a successful illusion, and what is not.

All these seperate parts of my identity that seem conflicting are driving me crazy. When you want the world and you can not have it, you will never be satisfied with what you can have.

Sometimes I get fed up living in a society that places such a high priority on productivity, materialism and extroversion and such a stigma on actually having time to live and enjoy life and feel emotion. I feel like a square peg that will never fit into a round hole. It's so endlessly frustrating and it seems impossible to overcome. I can never change. I have tried and tried. I wish and wish. It just will not happen.

Generally speaking, it isn't much of a stretch to say that Americans hold a certain kind of admiration for the unique beauty of French women, or the portrayals of them we encounter, at least. What is it about them, we wonder, that is such a refreshing sight for our sore American eyes? Is it their insouciant outlook on life, their self assured natures? Their seemingly effortless flair for fashion? Their Gallic good looks? Our imagining of their penchant for scarves and reading mysterious tomes in the corner of quaint cafes? It just seems to us that there is a certain je'ne sais quoi about them. But when we are considering the oh so appealing stereotype of the charming street urchin, the darling ingenue, one striking feature stands out in stark contrast to that of American women; their acceptance of themselves as people, rather than objects, their comfort in their own skin. Unlike American women, who are trained to become perfect trophies for men, neurotic ticking time bombs of self-criticism set to self-destruction from an early age, French women seem happy to accept themselves as people, rather than as accessories to men. They don't seem to be concerned when their hair is out of place, or feel the need to constantly abstain from giving their opinions to whoever happens to be listening. If a man happens to be listening and gets upset to hear a women say such things, and if his opinion of her happens to be lowered because of it, who cares? In the French woman's eyes, the man was nothing but a boring dolt anyway. Their confidence in themselves is unshakable.

To the American woman, that seems off-putting. What gives her the right to be so sure of herself? She doesn't go to the lengths that we do, to be seemingly perfect artifices of beauty and correctitude. But then again, what doesn't? The shame that we seem to feel in accepting ourselves as is and in actually ENJOYING life makes me wonder. While I can recognize that maybe the "French" way is a better way of life, something in my acquired American mindset seems to reject it automatically, not allowing myself to accept the fact that life can be taken in stride, that a carefree approach may also be an acceptable one.

Once again, I would like to mention that I realize the statements above are based on generalizations and stereotypes, the image of French women that is portrayed in American media. However, I am also basing the statements of their perceived attitudes on my encounters with French women in my life, and I feel rather confident in my depiction of them being accurate here. Though I have only known a handful, their attitudes seem to meet this description rather thoroughly.