Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in, it's the scene set for new lovers

Sometimes the marks that some people leave in your life are too deep to ever erase.
The scary thing is when they're not even lovers,
Sometimes they're the more permanent fixtures in your life, or even the people you'd never suspect could affect you so greatly.
Why? Why am I so bad at being alive...

I feel like the last seven years, I have been so fake.
I have been pretending to be this or that, because I felt afraid to be myself.
I felt afraid to have my true self rejected.
Now that I try to return to my true self, or whatever I think that is,
I feel afraid how distant I am from that.
I am just so afraid that I fucked up the only life that was given to me completely,
and I'm forever damaged goods.

In MD, things with my family are worse than ever and there are no hopes for things improving.
Sometimes I just want to go back to studying art, but I know I'll never earn any money or respect for those things.
I want to be a psychiatrist, but I am too fucked up to meet all these challenges.
I feel like I've missed the boat on something...

I am so tired of being depressed.
I am so tired of being this way.

I'm really happy because I got out of bed early today, and it's sunny. It feels so good to start the week off right. Now I can stay on track of my schoolwork and my diet.

Today I have to finish my English explication and Bio 250 labs.
We're also going to the Humane Society to see the pug they have there. I may possibly be coming home with one!

But, again, the focus has to be on work.
I have to do laundry, read Chapter 5 for Bio, figure out how to get a hold of the Greenspan textbook, finish my explication paper, and practice Chinese.

Still, I'm happy it's sunny.

This weekend will be consumed with studying and chores. Hopefully after I feel 90% secure that I have done these things sufficiently, I will sit down and draw something.

As I grow older I realize more and more that the key to happiness and satisfaction in life is self-respect.

Sometimes I feel like I've gone back to being a little kid again. I think it's for the best that for now, I keep taking care of what needs to be done while studying quietly the things I love. I think I have come to an understanding now of the things I really love and that make me happy, but when I attempt to do them on my own, I want them to be done right. So for now, it's just study, study, study.

I can't believe January's almost gone! Only one more month until springtime... Yes! Unless March decides to be all weird and get all cold and snowy then. Which has happened before in Georgia. Oh please oh please oh please just stay sunny and cool...

In two and a half months, I will be 22. Interesting. I'm confused how I should feel about this age. I guess being stuck in freshman year is responsible for this. I know overall, I'm still pretty much a baby, but I'm hanging out with 18 year olds mostly now. I remember when I was 18, I thought 22 was old! I do feel older, but not waaay older. In fact, I feel like I'm in the perfect medium now. I'm not too old and logged down with responsibilities, and I'm not too young to not know how to handle a lot of things that come my way. And I'm feeling happier than I ever have in my entire life. I know this is a really special time in my life, and I'm going to try to treasure it as much as possible.

Sew (pillows and skirts especially)
Create and paint Ceramic pots
Photography
Study a little French
Get into great shape
Become really good at different work outs
Gain enough endurance to go for runs sans treadmill
Cheat on my diets less
Go outside more this summer, get a tan, splash around at the beach or the pool
Be more mindful of my appearance
Get as many nice clothes as possible, but be pickier about what I buy
Have a friendlier, more upbeat attitude
Learn how to properly socialize (I have this thing where I'm either too formal or a little too intimate right away-- and I'm really awkward in the in between stages. That's why it usually takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone but once I do, I'm a really good friend.)
Apply for internships
Be a better daughter-- help my mom out around the house when I visit MD this summer
Go out with friends more
Learn how to do new things with my hair and makeup
Get as many A's as possible


It's a big list, but I'm not that afraid of it. I usually end up accomplishing a lot of my goals (though they're not always gracefully executed, to be sure,) except for the weight things. Food is usually my comfort thing when I feel like crap or things get tough. This year I'm really gonna buckle down on trying to change that. So far it hasn't been that bad. I've even switched to black coffee, which doesn't taste great but makes me feel twice as caffeinated. The only thing I can't resist is ice cream. It's like my downfall, my kryptonite. I'm gonna go make some coffee and get crackin' on my homework. Hope everyone's well.

I wish I could wear high heels sometimes. But then I would be a leaning tower of womanliness.

Sometimes I get this weird, empty feeling when I observe certain people, what they're like and where they're at in their lives. It's like envy, but a much more potent form. I guess it's because for me, I have made so many changes in my life. I feel like I've been so many different people. I've never felt good enough about myself, wherever I was, to not try to be something else or change somehow. Or maybe it's because I'm not selective; everything looks better than what I have to me from a distance, that is until I try it on for size. Sometimes I see people who remind me of how I used to be, or how I used to want to be, and it hurts a little bit, because I know how far I am from that ideal I had, or that I will never get the opportunity to be all the things I want to be. When you want to be one way and you want to be the opposite way as well, you will pretty much end up with nothing.

Oh well. I still think things are starting to come together in my life. I am happy, I just know I have a long way to go. But, I do have hope now.

I'm finding the key to happiness is to know what you love and not be ashamed to go after it.

Starting to lose a little weight already! I'm noticing it drops off a lot faster when I eat low-cal diet. Running or any kind of exercise is hard to do on this diet. I think it's simply because now that I'm not digesting a lot of crap all the time I have more energy, my mind is more alert and I want to do so many other things than just stay in the gym for an hour. Or maybe it's because I'm anxious to go home and do my homework and things.

Anyway, I feel like a really different person. I'm sticking to almost all of my resolutions really well, which I'm proud of. The only thing I've screwed up so far is that I missed a class due to a mistake I made reading my schedule. But it was in the first week of the semester, so I think it might be okay. The other thing is, it's hard to talk to myself like a confident person would. When I start trying to think of positive things about myself, I get this automatic response like "you're not really that good," "there are a million of other people who outshine you in this area" or "you don't deserve to act that way." When I say something out loud, I immediately think something that could contradict it and feel stupid for saying anything at all, thinking the other person will immediately think I am wrong and that I'm an idiot. My head is used to swimming in self-loathing way more than feeling good about myself and what I think, and when I try to think differently, well-- I just feel like this different person that I don't even know! But I am working on ways to trust myself and little by little, I am starting to feel different about myself overall.

It's amazing, the difference in how I feel waking up here and in my old life in Maryland. It makes me sad to think that it's only something that I've escaped-- everything I ran away from is still back there, and the prospects of things getting better are slim.

My other dubious resolution is to "stay on top of things," like keep track of all the things that I need to do, all the details and chores that I cross in everyday life. Stop being "spacey." I've had that word used to describe me along with "airheaded" so many times and it makes my skin crawl. (I think when people call me airheaded, it's because they don't realize I spend so much time thinking about things like existence and social order, etc., which they'll probably spend a very minimal amount of time reflecting on in their lifetimes.) That would mean I'd have to stop daydreaming all the time, which frankly, is gonna take a lot of work.

Okay, that is the report for now. All is well.

I think I might make it. Life is starting to play comfortingly familiar keys, somehow fashioning a new song with the melodies of better times gone by.

I'm happy.

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I want this bathing suit for this summer. I would get it in black, or maybe with the aqua and tan pattern as a mix and match ensemble. Of course, I can not buy a new swimsuit, because last summer I bought a somewhat pricey one which my husband was pretty upset about, so it doesn't look like it's in the cards for me. Wah. I like its retro cut, though.

Despite my depressy entry earlier today, I had a pretty good time last night. I had a housewarming party/cupcake bake-a-thon with some girls from my school. I was surprised that so many people showed up and I really enjoyed spending time with them. The cupcakes came out great, too. We made dark chocolate cupcakes with green tea frosting and almond sprinkles. They were perfect in every way. I only had one because I'm dieting right now. So far I've lost a little weight, and I'm pretty happy about that. I've been doing pretty good on my willpower, too. The only thing I still crave are Starbucks lattes and sweets from time to time. I think if I keep it up I will look great this summer! My head is swimming with anxiety though, because even if I do get in shape, I don't know if I'll have a lot of free time to spend by the pool or beach though. I'm applying to these summer internships, which I partially want to get and partially scare me. I don't want to find out that science lab work is not right for me. But I guess these kinds of internships I'm applying for are not for making real scientific contributions, really just to get a little training.

I'm so scared about my future. Sometimes I do want to major in English or Sociology, but then I fear I will never find a decent job. These days I am trying to make myself more disciplined and concerned about long-term benefits rather than short-term gratification, which was how I used to be. A lot remains to be seen. I know I will learn a lot from these experiences though, and for that I am grateful.

Today is one of those days where I just feel hopeless. Even though I know I'm making progress, I'm just running out of patience with myself. Last night was a great night overall, but when I got to talking to Hanjie's friends from Tech, I just felt like a complete idiot. I just hate that I have such a "right-brained" approach to the world all the time. I wish I was as logical and analytical as them. I mean, I guess college is messing with my ego a lot. I am starting to realize that no, I'm not a good writer, no, I'm not much of an artist, and no, I'm not really that special or smart. It can be kind of hard to take. I just have to keep plugging through, I guess. I think that the challenge will benefit me, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to meet my own standards. And I just get frustrated because I know the choices I've made in the past and things that were out of my control have a hand in that.

Just keep moving forward...

I find myself taking blows to the ego everyday now that I'm in college.
I guess I'm a product of that, "You are special, you have your own unique talents to offer, don't be afraid to raise your voice, blah blah blah" generation.
Or maybe I just think that I should be so smart that I should come to college already knowing everything. Which is pretty stupid.
Ego, time to bow down to submission. It's time to get schooled.

I wish I could get a pug puppy... I would too but the food would get really expensive I think.
Boo.

I'm applying for a couple internships this summer. I'm starting to see a lot of opportunities open up before my eyes, and that's really exciting. Unbelievable, really. The sort of things that I never thought would be more than just dreams. However, I am going to have to work really hard this next semester. I mean, really hard. It's so important to my future that I buckle down and take this seriously. Fortunately, it's a lot easier now that I live in a comfortable environment. Sometimes I get a little worried, how am I going to juggle all the things I want to do? It's all about prioritizing, I guess.

School starts on Tuesday! Break has been really nice. I wish I had a couple more days to just hang out, draw, and read, or even prepare for my classes next semester. I need a backpack, too. I guess I'll get one on Monday.

Life's been good lately.

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I don't know what restaurant carries such delishies, but I would go there in a heartbeat.